Who Am I!?

My husbands cousin today posted a deep and insightful blog piece about not really connecting with his wife in all that was going on in their life. Which made me think and really pull deeply into who I was, and why I do the things I do.

I have always wanted to be successful, worth while, important and mostly the best. Any one who has ever met and spent more than 10 minutes with me will tell you that I strive to be perfect and the best to every one all the time, and anyone who has known me for longer than a week will tell you that I almost always fall short, and my husband whom has known me more intimately than anyone will tell you that I never follow through.

What Does Being a Perfect Mom Mean to Me?
Isn’t this the question of the year? What does a perfect mom do? Does she stay home? Does she work? Does she work from home? Is she in the PTA? Are her kids on honor roll? Does she drive a mini van?
I am an incredibly obsessive person. I obsessed so much about being perfect when my oldest was a baby that I missed much of what he was doing (not that I don’t now for the exact opposite reason). I wanted to be the prefect mom, my kids would never eat fast food, they would nurse, I would be healthy and thin, my house would be clean, we would go for long walks every day, my child would not watch more than an hour of television a week…and I did this, I was insane; until I didn’t do it anymore. Now I am the polar opposite, I am discouraged in my parenting and I let myself go. My house is a mess, my kids watch sooo much TV, my oldest HATES group sports AND I drive a truck! WTF!! Some where along the way I stretched myself too thin, trying to be what others wanted me to be, staying up late talking to my neighbor, getting up earlier and drinking 54687438694354 cups of coffee a day, always on edge, never being me. I have always wanted to be what someone else wants me to be…because I never knew what I wanted to be.
I have decided that there is a middle ground to all this. I don’t want my kids to eat McDonalds, I have no problem with Jack in the Box though, but only like 3 times a year 🙂 My kids will watch TV mostly because Emmy likes to get up at 5:45 am and I can’t cope, but from now on when she wakes up I will pop on the TV and take a shower then instead of letting her watch TV twice a day. I love to cook, so I will continue to make as much from scratch as I can, but sometimes I will buy frozen pizza *oh, well, you can’t win them all*. I stopped drinking coffee, but I do run three or four days a week and while I feel guilty that my kids will be in daycare while I do it, I will still take an extra 1/2 hour to surf the net and do my makeup *blush*

What does being a Perfect Wife mean to Me?
Mothering is significantly less difficult than this question to me. Being a wife is incredibly scary to me and I play the victim in my marriage very, very well. I am not a victim but I play dumb and act like I don’t *get it* it’s pathetic, but it’s a defense mechanism. The only marriages I have ever seen have ended poorly. I want to have the gull to clean my house, but what if I don’t do it right? I want to be a supportive and uplifting Christian wife who brings her husband closer to Christ. I am not. I am incredibly selfish in my faith and relationship with Christ, unless of course I am NOT married to you and then I am overwhelmingly happy to share with you. I want to be a wife who shares her heart with her husband, who intimately loves and shares sorrow and delight, I’m not this either- I have spent 7 years talking and not being heard that now I talk to just about everyone but my husband.
This all makes me sound like the shittiest (or most normal wife) ever. That is not what I want, I want to be extra-ordinary wife. I am committing myself to sharing my love for Christ with my husband. I am going to share my heart and soul with my husband, even if he doesn’t hear my words. I will even try to clean my house 😉

It’s amazing to get all these things off my chest to only realize that while these are all pieces of who I am, they are not what define me. They have defined me, it’s comfortable to be defined by something you can control, but what defines me is…my actions in situations that I cannot control (not generally good). Who I let myself be. I frequently forget who I am. I am someone who was once passionate, an activist, loved to read 18th century lit., wanted to further her education and self, wanted to be a missionary. I let someone(s) cut all that down, take away all that I was. In the next 365 days I will become *me*. I will listen to punk rock when I run, I will run even though I am not fast. I will pick up a book of sonnets from the library- and read it. I will get rid of the coach bags in my closet, because I don’t need a purse to tell me what my status in life is. I will buy clothes, and shoes, and make up- because I love those things. I will grow up, a little. I will stop trying to be what you want me to be and I will start being who I want to be. 

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